29 October 2013

Jesse Ventura Has Lots of Theories, Little Facts

OK, before you read this blog post, read THIS:
I'm not dissing all conspiracy theories. I'm dissing Jesse Ventura's TACTICS and the FORMAT of his show. Truthfully, I don't trust anyone in our government and nothing would surprise me anymore.

All right? Are we friends now? Great. Read on.

I love conspiracy theories. They fascinate me. I even believe some of them.

Take the JFK assassination, for example. I don't believe the President was killed by a lone gunman, or that Lee Harvey Oswald was the guy who killed him. Lots of reasons why, but too many to go into in this blog post.

I have my doubts that the explosion of TWA flight 800 in 1996 was caused by overheated fuel tank vapors. I even spoke extensively with the father of one of the Montoursville High School students who died in the crash years ago before his death (R.I.P., he was such a sweetheart of a guy) and even though he accepted the official explanation, I still did not.

I just think it's too fishy that the Navy was test-firing missiles just off the coast at the time of the crash, and that thousands of witnesses reported seeing something being fired into the air.

[Incidentally, flight 800 - which occurred the summer after my junior year of high school - horrified me so badly that it's one of the reasons I despise flying to this day.]

If you're interested in conspiracies, though, do yourself a favor: look beyond Jesse Ventura.

Jesse Ventura is a former mayor, governor, Navy seal, and "fighter," as he likes to refer to himself. Actually, he was a WWF (now WWE) wrestler known as Jesse "The Body" Ventura.

Now, I'll admit, I think pro wrestling is totally lame. But that's not why I consider Jesse Ventura to be a bad source of info. The problem is that the "Conspiracy Theory" cast (investigators?) rarely arrive at any logical conclusions.

Tonight I watched the episode about the Ozarks conspiracy.
The theory is that the Illuminati - described by LiveScience as "an 18th-century secret society made up of numerous influential intellectuals and freethinkers of the time" that is supposedly still operating today - is building an ENORMOUS (72,000 sq. feet!!!) mansion in Highlandville, Missouri, that is really a fortress for a new one-world government that will form after some future apocalyptic event. Underground cities are also allegedly being built to save a chosen few to survive and repopulate the world.

I should also mention that this apocalyptic event will be perpetrated BY the Illuminati, and that the man who is building and funding all this crap is a man named Steven T. Hunt. Hunt is Vice President and Chief Technology Officer of Overwatch Geospatial Operations and was a CIA agent.

Rich intellectuals trying to take over the planet? Population control? Underground cities?
Sadly, I can believe it. It's just that Jesse Ventura hasn't proven it to me.

During the team's investigation, they arrived at the following conclusions:

-A local sheriff agreed to drive them up to the mansion, but would not let them get out and look around. In fact, he locked them in the car. Therefore, there is a conspiracy going on.

-The team drove into one of the underground tunnels and found that it was large enough to accommodate living space for thousands of people, not to mention a 2-lane road large enough to accommodate tractor-trailers. They also found that the underground area is connected to the railroad. Therefore, this MUST be where the Illuminati plans to relocate their chosen few when said apocalyptic event occurs. Large storage areas and the railroad connection prove that this elite intellectual army is hoarding food, fuel, and whatever else they need to survive the pending cataclysmic kaboom.

-The Ozarks are smack dab in the middle of the U.S. and surrounded by stupid hillbillies, making it the perfect place to plan their New World Order without being detected. These people are really, really counting on the locals' stupidity and lack of real teeth. I'm a little surprised they didn't set their circus down where I live.

-Read the Word "OZARK." What do you see? Nothing? Well, then, Sean Stone thinks you're not looking hard enough. Who is Sean Stone, by the way? A young, handsome, brooding guy who rides a motorcycle and wears a leather jacket. He is also Oliver Stone's son, which is how he is introduced at the beginning of the show. It amuses me that they don't mention the fact that he studied at Oxford or Princeton, or that he wrote his thesis on the New World Order. He's just "Sean Stone, son of Oliver Stone.
I digress.
Here's Stone's take on what "OZARK" really means:

Jesse Ventura and his investigators speculate that the Huff property will actually serve as a kind of Noah's Ark -- or palace of Oz -- for the Illuminati once the world crumbles. The town it's based near, after all -- Ozark -- is a combo of the two ideas.

Are you amused yet? That one just came out of nowhere.

My point is this: you can make anything look shady, but that doesn't make it shady.
Ventura delivers every line of the show like he's fixin' to body slam you onto a table in the wrestling ring, intending to make you quake with fear and believe every word he says.

But real answers are hard to come by. Most of the time, their interviews get canceled, their visits fall through, and they use that as "proof" that something sinister is going on. In reality, it could just be that people think Ventura and his show are a joke and they don't want to be associated with them. It could be that bunkers are being built, supplies are being hoarded, but it has nothing to do with the Illuminati or a plot to shave the earth's population down by a few billion people. It could just be what you call preparedness. It could be that no matter how many honest answers Ventura gets, he doesn't believe them. He is always saying things like "we obviously made him nervous" and "you could tell Bob didn't want to answer our questions." I'd be nervous if Jesse Ventura asked me for directions to Dairy Queen, so that doesn't mean anything.

In another episode, Jesse Ventura takes on Plum Island.
Plum Island is a real place near Suffolk County, New York, and it's scary as all heck. Legitimately so - animal diseases like Foot And Mouth are studied there, and the facility - which is now run by the Department of Homeland Security - has a long history of outbreaks and poor safety practices. Security is lax, and any old terrorist could sail up to it on a boat and blow it to smithereens, contaminating our food supplies and potentially sickening humans.

Jesse and the cast rattle on about how "open" Plum Island is to terrorism or catastrophic error, but then get pissed off when they try to approach the island and are met with security vehicles and the Coast Guard tailing them. How dare they fear a former governor? Ventura spouts, "Who do they think I am, a f**king terrorist?"

But, of course, Ventura uses that to back up his claims that something nefarious is happening at Plum Island, including human experiments.

Take your pick, guv. Do you want security or not? You're not in office anymore. You're an old guy with a ponytail who is hosting a cable TV show. The old rules don't apply anymore.

Where there's smoke, there's fire. I think Jesse Ventura sometimes gets smoke confused with the vapor from the hot air that comes out of his mouth. Not all the time, mind you. Sometimes, I think he's dead-on. (His take on the JFK conspiracy, for example.)

But most of the time, there is a lot of driving, talking on the phone, and speculating, but no real fact-finding.

So, if you're into conspiracy theories, take this show with a grain of salt. Look beyond Jesse Ventura. Don't make him your conspiracy textbook. Enjoy "Conspiracy Theory" as the informative comedy that is sometimes - usually - is.


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